"For mine is a rugged land but good for raising sons- and I myself, I know no sweeter sight on earth than a man’s own native country…." The Odyssey
Since moving to NYC, I have struggled continually with homesickness. This feeling has been a surprising one, as I do not normally get homesick or feel overcome with waves of nostalgia. After attending my friend's wedding, it felt like I was hit square in the face with a sledgehammer. I was filled with a longing to return home, to be with the people I love and care about. However, as I reflect often on this sensation, I cannot help but wonder if I am missing home or missing the past. I am surely missing my friends and family, but is it simply that I miss them or that I miss the way our relationships used to be?
I often struggle with a desire to be certain: certainty about my sense of self, certain about where I am in life, certain about spirituality, etc. I often crave stability, to know the ground underneath my feet. I miss the easy familiarity of my absent friends, my absent home, my seemingly absent life. New lands are often the loneliest to explore, especially without structures naturally conducive to making friends like school. I find myself challenged often by that craving of comfort and security, which is why I miss home so much.
I have recently been reading Paul Tillich's "Courage to Be." It is a philosophical gem. Tillich argues that the courage to be is the willingness to affirm oneself in the face of nonbeing- the anxiety of nonexistence. This anxiety manifests itself in three ways: anxiety of fate/death, anxiety of emptiness/meaninglessness, and the anxiety of guilt/condemnation. Anxiety is different from fear in that fear has an object. You are afraid of death, darkness, killer clowns, etc. Anxiety is more pervasive and encompassing. You do not have anxiety of experiencing death, but you have anxiety about after death, the idea of no longer being. That is the central tension of existence: all existence is becoming, but it is also finite and destined to end. All things must end. As conscious beings, we struggle with the anxiety of nonbeing, of this inevitable end. Life is about constant change, and the constant challenge to perennially accept this change.
If you know me, or can at least inference from what is written above, then you know that this challenge is not easily met. I often desire a static universe-constantly fixed- over the the one that began with a bang and will end in a whimper. I think we all feel the desire to return to our rugged lands, a place settled sweetly in the countries of our past. However, if there is one thing I am learning, it's that one way to combat the anxiety of fate and meaninglessness is to hold gratitude for both the past and the present. A friend recently posted on Facebook the other day "Share life with others when you are able. You never know when you will find yourself alone and need those memories to help you through." I have found this often to be the case. When I return each day to the lonely islands of my heart, far from the rugged lands of my youth and man-childishness, I remind myself of these good times so as to assuage my anxiety and combat feelings of regrets over past decisions, mistakes, errors, and so on...
My hope is that by remembering to be grateful for those whom I love, to be grateful for the air in my lungs now and the dexterous motor functions of my hands that allow me to type this message, I will learn to be comfortable with discomfort and have peace with the challenge of constantly accepting change in a world that is always changing, a me that is always changing, and persons all over whom are always changing. I hope you can encourage me in this as well as I press forward.
